The parish pump, by Barney Liar, Teesdale Mercury

Minutes of Micklekirk Parish Council 

he meeting was held at the village hall.  Eight councillors were present for the start of the meeting, but none remained at 9pm, because the meeting ended at half past eight.  

The chairman, Cllr Harold Groyne, welcomed members to the meeting and introduced the new parish clerk, Deirdre Haddock. He sought to reassure her that the fact that she was the fourth holder of the post since 2007 was of no significance. Any rumours she had heard about him were entirely false and everyone at the council just got along fine, just one big happy family.  When Cllr Strobe interjected that he had got to be damn well joking, the chairman suspended the meeting while he and ‘that fool Strobe’ went outside for several minutes. Following the sound of splintering wood, they returned, adjusted their clothing and reported that the damage they had caused to nearby street furniture was merely superficial. Cllr Groyne’s wife, Marjorie advised that it would be advisable to mess with ‘her Harold’, because she could assure members that he was ‘always a bit handy with a knuckle butty’.

The treasurer, Cllr Alderman, presented a financial report.  He said that despite there having been no expenditure in the year to date, the precept having been raised last year and the reserves standing at a record high, he was recommending an increase of ten per cent this year, ‘just to be on the safe side’. He said that at any time the council might have to face unexpected challenges, such as the village being hit by an asteroid or  an outbreak of the Black Death.  After a lengthy debate about illness and heavenly bodies, the council voted unanimously for a motion worded by the chairman which was so complex that no-one understood it, thus allowing each councillor to go home believing that s/he had voted for an excellent idea. The chairman subsequently instructed the clerk to put the precept up by 20 per cent, since six of the councillors were on disability allowance anyway and didn’t have to pay a bean.

That new chap, Cllr Martin Lavender, who had been co-opted onto the council before anyone realised that his ‘partner’ was male, asked for funding for an exhibition of pressed flowers he was putting together.  Cllr Barndangler said that he didn’t fight the Nazis for three years to have pressed flowers ‘rammed down his throat’. The council regarded this as a fair point, but disorder threatened when Cllr Mrs Groyne advised the meeting that ‘the closest Barndangler got to a Nazi was mending a busted window in the NAAFI’. The fight was quickly discontinued when the clerk’s suggestion that Cllr Lavender’s request be referred to the leisure and arts sub-committee was unanimously agreed. The council does not have a leisure and arts sub-committee.

The council heard that arrangements were in hand for the annual fete, last held three years ago. A gypsy fortune teller had been engaged, to the delight of many members, but after lengthy debate it was agreed by a majority that Mrs Gypsy Rose Mee would not be allowed to bring her caravan onto the green ‘in case all her relatives come  and stay there till Appleby Show time’. It was decided that Elsie Doom would win the cake competition even though her cakes taste like Tarmac. ‘After all, you  can’t go upsetting Elsie, I mean can you, what with her infection?’ said Cllr Mrs Veins.

Correspondence: the chairman reported that there had been a great deal of this, but since it was ‘all tripe from the Kremlin at Durham and begging letters’, he had shredded it all as bedding for his birds. Congratulating him on his eco-friendly approach, Cllr Barndangler asked if  Harold could drop off half a dozen large tomorrow. The chairman replied that he would, but they’d gone up ten pence.

Date of next meeting: It was agreed that in the unlikely event of anything happening in the village, a meeting would convened at a date to suit the chairman but not on a Monday because he had his dominoes to consider. The chairman closed the meeting by expressing the wish that if any members were to have any bright ideas, they should damn well keep quiet about them.