Just off out for a walk..., Teesdale Mercury

Just off out for a walk...

Jun 3, 2008

Monthly report from South West Durham Ramblers

WE met, as usual, at 6am at the bus shelter, and after singing lustily for ten minutes and a little Morris dancing, set off at a good pace towards Hangman's Ridge, stopping only to drink from a stream. Before continuing our trek, we had a little fun, throwing our treasurer into the stream, where he came close to drowning. My, how we laughed. 

His resignation having been refused (some people have just no sense of humour) we strode over the ridge into Bungdale, climbing the escarpment to admire the view of Lower Birdthorp below.  

Unfortunately, the view was obscured by the fact that Lower Birdthorp is not in Bungdale. After a brief enquiry as to the responsibility for our route, disciplinary action was taken against out treasurer, whom we threw off the escarpment. My how he screamed.

Six miles of easy field walking followed, after which we stopped for lunch at the Pig and Banana, at Upper Nodley.  Unfortunately, our lentil and carrot soup-based meal was marred by the revelation that one of our lady members was wearing make-up.  

The star chamber was quickly convened and the miscreant was forced to repent publicly, swearing never again to leave her house unless she was wearing a knitted hat and large boots.  

After pelting her with rotting fruit, we continued to the nearby Community Facilitating Provision, where we were given a fascinating two-hour talk on the manufacture of wooden wheelbarrows. 

Leonard Polaroid, a new member who has recently retired from his post as curator at the North of England Sewing Machine Museum, volunteered to try his hand at the ancient art we had seen demonstrated. Ninety minutes later, we all had a useful supply of firewood to take home with us. It was agreed that Leonard should be ostracised for ten years or so for not being sufficiently odd to fit into the society.

 On the final stage of our day we divided into three groups: expert, average and retarded. The expert group covered 13 miles in 27 minutes, being so competitive that the ‘Walker of the day' award was determined only after Colin Fibia, 59, of Barnard Castle, won the cheese sandwich eat-off against Denis O'Barmey, 67, a guest from Huddersfield. Colin celebrated his victory by walking the entire day's journey in reverse, so as not to appear effeminate.  

The average group comprised 24 retired women teachers who were all called Sylvia and who all talked simultaneously.  Being an average group, no ‘Walker of the day' award was given. It was  noted with pleasure that all 24 Sylvias were clad entirely in pale green and only combed their hair once a day.  It was estimated that the word ‘nice' was used more than 300,000 times during the course of the day by the members of this group.

The retarded group did not return until Tuesday evening, having met with many mishaps en route. Betty Gonagall, 84, was run over by a mobility scooter driver who had, by some means, found himself on a steep hillside in Teesdale when he had intended to go to Morrisons, in Darlington. 

He asked for the hillside to be Tarmaced by the council to ease his return. Betty's walking companion Ron Knee, 77, was found in the baggage compartment of a British Midland Boeing aircraft at Teesside airport. He explained that map reading had never been his forte. 

Our president, Colonel Henry Bladder, was a member of the retarded group. 

He was found in a telephone box, from which he could not escape, since he was unable to discern which of the four sides within which he was confined constituted a door.

 Next week's ramble has been planned by Colonel Bladder. It is a tour of local sewage distribution depots and public car parks. He promises it will be stimulating to the senses and will definitely create a few surprises.  

Colonel Bladder has organised some peasant chasing at lunch time by way of diversion and there will be a competition for the most unusual cheese in members' sandwiches.

Meet at underground toilets 6am. Any lady member attempting to look attractive will be asked to leave, as will any gentlemen heard to make original or interesting comments.  Members are reminded that subscriptions are now due. 

Any member knowing the whereabouts of the treasurer should inform Colonel Bladder, who regards him as ‘unsound'.

First published in the Mercury May 28, 2008