The boy done good!, Teesdale Mercury

The boy done good!

May 20, 2008

I read with delight how George Richardson, newly-elected for the Evenwood division in the recent elections, described his feelings on winning. George is as amiable a man as you could meet, so I was even more delighted to find that he has started a new career in football-speak.  

He described himself as ‘humble yet proud'.  Now this is the stuff great football managers are made of. 

George went on to say that he was ‘tall in a short sort of way' and ‘full of tension whilst remaining relaxed'. His priorities for the new council will be the increase of expenditure while keeping costs down and ‘ensuring that Teesdale's voice was heard by being a listener'. Let's hope we don't lose George to football management too quickly. 

While we're on the subject, speculation is rife down at the Stadium of Magnificence that long-serving ace motivator, Ron Mangle, 72, may be on his way.

Despite getting Real Glaxo into the play-offs for the fourth time in three seasons, Big Ron is said to have ‘itchy feet'.  

The sporting press may have misinterpreted this as naked ambition on Ron's part, when, in fact, it's simply a case of a minor foot infection, caught ‘from one of the lads' when they mistakenly threw him, in triumph, into their communal bath after last Saturday's crunch match against the Teesdale Independents Association Defeated Council Candidates XI. 

This error was caused by wonder striker Baz Gloop's inability to add up the final points total necessary for automatic promotion.  

In Gloopland, 63 plus three equals 70. Big Ronnie will need all his powers as the great motivator to lift the lads for Saturday's play-off second leg against Cotherstone Toffs. Perhaps he can get George in as a consultant.  

At last Wednesday's press conference in the PR centre where the Barney underground lavatories used to be, Ron was quoted as saying that he was ‘double-gutted' by missing out on promotion and having his new suit ruined. 

The fact the term ‘double-gutted' also described Ron's profile after a lifetime of  ‘neckin' it down with the lads' was particularly noted by the press corps. 

He expects Baz Gloop to ‘put the ball in the back of the net, 'cos that's what we pay him to do, down here at the football club'. 

Baz became confused by this, asking later if Ron meant that  goals scored in the side of the net did not count. The players are counting on success to fund their lavish lifestyles; Craig Latouche, midfielder, having just invested in 2005 Kia Pride saloon (with stereo), being a good example of the hubris of the modern game.

Meanwhile, unsuccessful council candidates from the Independent, Very Independent and Exclusively Independent factions were licking their wounds this week, desperately wondering what they were going to do, now that they are not to spend their afternoons comatose in committee meetings.  

The Nappies (Not a Party Party) are organising in-depth counselling for ex-councillors and shortly-to-be-ex-councillors.  

The course of treatment, entitled ‘Get Yourself A Life, You Great Dope,' is already heavily over-subscribed, since it contains ‘workshops' on themes such as ‘How to go shopping', ‘Six ways to clean your car', ‘How to snog your wife/husband' and ‘An introduction to betting shops'.  

The course leader, Mr Aidan O'Looney, a 71-year-old lifestyle consultant, said that former councillors should not be treated as social outcasts, but should receive in-depth help, commensurate with the extreme nature of their disability. 

A spokesperson for the Nappies said that they were all ‘bereaved, shattered, gutted, catatonic and a bit upset, actually'. 

However, they did regard the results as having shown how up-to-date their party truly was, and how enviromentally aware.  

When asked to explain, he said that the Nappies, although obviously disposable, were all prepared to be reused at some ill-defined future point, even though this might be a rather messy business.

First published in the Mercury, May 14, 2008