Recipes time forgot, Teesdale Mercury

Recipes time forgot

May 7, 2008

AFTER an absence of three years, local celebrity chef Ophelia Boot, 81, is back atop the bestseller lists with the cookery book which has got the whole world of cuisine in uproar. It's called ‘Cooking the quick way' and it's a big departure for the Queen of Garlic. Boy, her book is just flying off the shelves, and she is totally unrepentant about the way she's taking the country's cuisine.

"People lead such busy lives nowadays. It's just no good writing recipes which take hours and hours to prepare, using ingredients which are hard for ordinary people to find. This is especially important if they live in the country, where the local shop may only just have discovered custard powder and most houses have outdoor lavatories," said Ophelia, when the Mercury dropped in to interview her at her luxury West Auckland penthouse as she made a programme for her latest series. The series which, of course, mirrors exactly the book contents, is called ‘Gastroenteritis made easy'.  

"We've got to live in the real world," she gushed, "And to design meals which meet the demands of today's busy lifestyle. Look, why don't I show you what I mean? I'm going to introduce you to to  my most recent creation, a dish called Lynesack Reindeer and Squirrel Surprise, which is simplicity itself. What you have to do is this. First, you'll need half a kilo (or just over a pound if you live in Teesdale) of reindeer hock, which is much more easily available now since Raby Castle started having a shop at Christmas. You'll also need six cloves of garlic, a sack of cous cous, two packets of Weetabix, two spoonfuls of gravy browning, some red  and green peppers, two Mars Bars, chili powder,  a jar of anchovy paste, a tin of white emulsion paint and some green salad. In addition you should have a packet of chocky bickies, a tin of Andrews Liver Salts, a bottle of Worcester sauce, a packet of birdseed and, most important of all, the collected letters of Marcel Proust.  This last item is not an ingredient, but if you leave it lying around the kitchen, the TV crew will think you're dead clever.

"Assemble the ingredients and place them in appropriately-sized bowls. Fold the Weetabix into a stiff mixture of anchovy paste and finely-chopped, par-boiled squirrel (which I forgot to mention before),then allow it to stand for an hour, so that you can watch the racing on TV. When the squirrel has turned rancid, crush the garlic and make a cheeky little mixture with some Andrews liver salts, add this to the squirrel, then let it all rest for ten minutes.  The next thing you do is go and change into a slinky little black dress, ready for your guest's arrival. You may want to leave out this step if you are a man."

At this point the programme cut to scenes of Ophelia  welcoming Ban Ki Moon, the Secretary General of the United Nations, Pete Docherty, Sir Alex Ferguson, the late Harold Bracegirdle and several others to her private box at Real Glaxo FC's Stadium of Magnificence, where she and her husband are directors.

Then back to the kitchen ,where Ophelia is all dolled up ready for her date and teetering around on high heels. "Speed is very important now," she burbles, donning oven gloves in the aubergine and pink colours of Real Glaxo. "Take the gravy browning and pour it on the reindeer, which has been marinaded overnight in a 50-50 mixture of Jeyes Fluid and chocolate. Grate the Mars bars over the top, add two chilis and sprinkle ample cous cous on the floor as an aid to dancing later in the evening.  Plunge the entire dish into a hot oven (gas mark 9), then quickly slap two coats of white emulsion on the walls of the downstairs lavatory to impress the punters, sorry, the guests.  Nothing could be simpler."

I remembered that the dish was called Lynesack Reindeer and Squirrel Surprise. Where, I asked the internationally-renowned Ophelia, was the surprise?  "I'm glad you asked me that, young man," she replied, tickling me under the chin. "You're obviously a bright boy (and a good-looking one, too), so I'll let you into the secret of the surprise. When your guests arrive, they'll probably about the terrible stench emanating from the kitchen. Yes, this dish can go wrong occasionally. Well, if they do, just invite them in to see you give the whole thing to the dog. And the surprise? Well, then you get in the car and drive them all down to the chippy for a proper dinner. Oh, how they'll laugh!"

Ophelia is already working on her next book "Recipes the world could do without."  It will almost certainly be a bestseller.

First published in the Mercury, April 30, 2008