Here's to a summer of sporting action, Teesdale Mercury

Here's to a summer of sporting action

Apr 30, 2008

CALLING all sports fans everywhere, even Romaldkirk! Well, things are really heating up as we come to the climax of another pulsating, nerve-tingling, breathtaking winter of nail-biting, emotion-jangling non-stop mediocrity. How can we cope with it all? How can it possibly be improved? What is the meaning of life? What is the price of fish? Questions to ponder as the Olympics approach and aspiring local superheroes prepare for their destinies. Will they be climbing the victory podium? Will theirs be the victor's laurels or the bitter ashes of defeat? Will it be promotion? Does anybody give a monkey's?

 Down at the Stadium of Magnificence, Ron Mangle, 72, Real Glaxo FC's much-travelled figurehead, cast a lugubrious glance out of the window of his air conditioned office. The 138,000-seater stadium, home last Saturday to 198 fans and a man from the Post Office who took a wrong turning and found himself on the touchline, was quiet. But Big Ron said he could feel the atmosphere building for next week's play-off semi-final against Gainford Ladies.  

"Out there on the park when the chips are down at this stage of the season at the football club, it's devil take the uppermost when we get down to the nitty gritty, cut and tuck, nip and thrust. The lads are straining at the collar to get into the action and show me what they're made of. I'll be wearing my lucky gold lame wellingtons to show the lads I'm up for it, man and boy. We're gonna give it all we've got; after all, there's a final appearance at Wembley up for grabs for the winners and who loves a loser?"

("I do, Ron," trilled Olga, Ron's Russian internet-bride from the rear of the room). 

"If we do lose, it'll not be for the want of winning but taking part and there's no prizes for coming second, except enormous amounts of money, publicity and free beer."

Shortly afterwards his medication kicked in and Ron went to sleep in the cloakroom.

 Last week, committee members at Barnard Castle Golf Club were rushed off their feet organising the Greater Teesdale Open. Since it had recently been designated the fifth major tournament, the town was besieged by golf fans and the great and good of the professional game.  

Joy was unconfined when local boy, Tiger Tallentire, from Etherley, lifted the fabled Lager Jug in triumph on Sunday. The crowd went wild with delight, especially as Tiger had broken the course and, indeed, the world record for 18 holes of tournament play, completing the round in 21 shots.  

It was rumoured that he had been a little fortunate in his dealings with the Rules Committee. Tiger's notoriously wild drive from the fourth tee had hooked so badly that it had struck groundsman, Basil Onion, who was standing beside the nearby 17th green, on the patella, causing him great pain and requiring him to be taken to hospital two days later, when the ambulance arrived from Hartlepool.  

The ball, quite understandably, changed direction after ruining Baz's day and glided unerringly into the cup. Tiger leapt in triumph, saying it was the best (nay, the only) hole-in-one of his career. He then proceeded to the 18th green, played the last in an effortless seven and claimed the prize. Several overseas players complained that the Rules Committee was biased in favour of the local player, on the grounds that he had only played four-and-a-half holes.  

The committee chairman, local landowner and shooting enthusiast, Rick O'Shea, refuted these claims. "Absolute piffle," he intoned. "You tell me where it says in the rules that you can't take short cuts. I'm deeply hurt that we have been accused of  favouritism. We treat each case on its merits, but you can bet that if somebody's going to whinge on, it'll be a damn foreigner. Good luck to Tiger, I say; just because he's my godson doesn't mean I can't wish him well." 

 Finally, a word for minority sports fans. Jed Bracket, of Holwick, is another medal bet for Britain in the Synchronised Sheep Dipping (Ewes-pairs), but he may not be the only Teesdale Olympian. 

Natalie Skrzydlewskaya, 17, recently granted GB citizenship by Teesdale District Council, (which is surprising, since she was born in Cockfield) has won through the quailifiers to gain a place in the Motorised Lawnmower Sprint 400 metres (seated) for women.  In a press release issued by her mam, Chantelle, she was said to be over the moon with her head in the clouds, out there 24/7, but keeping her shoulder to the wheel, even though this presented difficulties, since her nose needed to be near the grindstone. 

Don't hold your breath too long, fans.

First published in the Mercury, April 23, 2008