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Career enhancement opportunity beckons
Apr 8, 2008
THE Editor-in-chief of the Mercury, young Jeremiah, wrote in his column last week of his mystification about the title of a job which Durham County Council had advertised. They wanted an 'Impact Foundation Curriculum Facilitator'.
Being firmly rooted in the late 19th century, our leader wondered what this person might do all day. I have taken it upon myself to find out about the job, or should I say, career enhancement opportunity.
I rang up and asked for a job description, but no-one in the Human Resources Colleague Recruitment Team knew what I meant. Eventually, they realised, poor ignorant twerp that I am, that I wanted a Personality Profile Delineation Document, and sent one through the Ingress-Egress Access Portal, which used to be called the post office, till the government shut them all down.
I reproduce the document below. If you're interested, apply quickly, because I know of several interested parties, some of whom are members of the human race.
IMPACT FACILITATOR - PROFILE
The Impact team, based at the Kremlin, Durham, is looking for a key player in the enhancement of their Facilitation dimension.
Applicants should be honours graduates in a major established academic discipline such as Multi-Cultural Studies, Media Management or Bricklaying, with a minimum of three weeks' coalface (though not necessarily down a pit) experience. The person appointed, who can be of either sex, but must be a woman, will bring much-valued skills to the interface of pooled colleague expertise.
The team enjoys working within a flexible methodology, but with certain core requirements common to all members. These are:
1) Spending at least one day per week in group working parties trying to decide what an Impact Facilitator is; and 2) one further half day per week at a residential facility filling in travel claim forms and re-writing existing personality profiles.
Optional elements will include exclusive responsibility for at least two of the following previously-agreed responsibility elements:
1. Filling in forms from central government giving details of what progress the team has made towards deciding what an Impact Facilitator is and sharing this expertise with other local authorities in order to be aware of differences in the definitional context of the Impact programme at sub-national level.
2. Preparing for unannounced assessment visits by inspectors from the Audit Commission, tasked with the responsibility of measuring the extent to which Impact Facilitation definitions have been arrived at and disseminated to other authorities and to central government.
3. Measuring the extent to which the victims of road traffic accidents are aware of the impact which the vehicle with which they were in collision with made upon them.
4. Collecting data from the public by means of visiting licensed premises and undertaking questioning a suitable sample about the impact eight pints of lager has on their perceptions of social reality on a Friday night. (Expenses available).
5. Commencing a total review of the wisdom teeth of the 1,271,000 employees of Durham County Council with a target completion date of August 2036, with a view to finalising by that date the number of employees whose teeth show signs of being impacted and to report this information to a department of central government which will, by that date, have been abolished.
6. Given that several local members of parliament are likely to be unemployed after the next general election, overseeing the inception of a retraining course for those who see a future for themselves within the performing arts.
This exciting new venture has been entitled 1.MP ACT. In the event of no former MP wanting to act, the person appointed will be responsible for the shredding of the eight tonnes of printed material which 1.MP ACT has thus far accumulated.
7. Investigating, measuring and pushing out the boundaries to discover the impact of public interest on the search for a definition of Impact Facilitation.
8. Liaising with colleagues to define the extent to which they have been successful in liaising with other colleagues.
The person appointed will be flexible, because we like to go dancing on Saturdays.
Applications (26 copies) by Monday, April 1.
First published in the Mercury, Wednesday April 2, 2008