Your starter for 10..., Teesdale Mercury

Your starter for 10...

Jan 9, 2008

YES folks, it's the quiz of the year - are you the brainiest person in Teesdale? Well, are you? You are? Well what are you doing reading this? Choose one possibility then check your brain power after you've marked your answers. Cheating is very much encouraged.

1. Which of these is the least desirable thing to have received as a Christmas present?

a) One thousand Northern Rock shares;

b) An invitation to invest in the redevelopment of St. Peter's School Gainford;

c) An ASBO requiring you to attend 10 committee meetings at Teesdale District Council;

d) A night out on a Wednesday in February in Toft Hill;

e) A topless calendar issued by members of the Ramblers' Association.

2.  Which of these lonely hearts ads appeals most to you?

a) Upper Teesdale man, mature but evil-smelling, seeks local beauty 29-70 with enormous forearms and GSOH to wine, dine and assist with tractor renovation. A bit of brass in the bank would come in 'andy, an' all;

b) No-nonsense girl (38, 16st) with several knitted hats and a fleece for big nights out, seeks sensitive male, 50-55, with own hair and teeth to travel life's dusty pathway. No time wasters or pansies, thank you very much;

c) Graduate female musician, Francophile, loves country walks, 18th century ballet and haute couture, Flaubert and Tolstoy, visits to the Ivy and philosophy, seeks comfortably off kindred spirit to wonder how the hell she wound up in Teesdale;

d) Prison officer, 38, with attitude problem and beer gut, seeks nymphette to love and cherish him on the nights he chooses to spend in the house. Must have interest in trade union rules, committees, karaoke singing and doing as she's damn well told. Cross-dressers particularly welcome;

e)  Me: female, 81, lover of conversation, fine wine, opera, rope bridge technology and local government reorganisation, WLTM thee: 18-21, male, lottery winner, member of highly successful rock band, well-muscled, good conversationalist. Apply Evening Tide Care Home.

 3.  Which of these events has happened the most often in 2007?

a) A lorry bashing the corner off the Buttermarket in Barnard Castle;

b) The council changing its mind about selling off/closing down/reopening the public lavs in Barney;

c) A bunch of ageing motorcyclists scaring the living daylights out the population of Middleton;

d) A coach full of people aged 70+ arriving on a mystery tour from Sunderland and exclaiming "Not here again";

e) A group of young people meeting outside the shop to decide which one is going inside to try to buy the booze. 

4. Which of these books sold the most copies in 2007?

a) "How to choose the populist issue" - Cllr Newton Wood;

b) "Teesdale - land of surprises: how to visit the Bowes Museum again" -  Teesdale Marketing;

c) "The day a pigeon flew into my window - my life on the edge" -  A local man who wishes to remain anonymous;

d) "Posh people don't go to Darlington - my life as a bus driver" -  Arriva man Alfie Buzzard;

e) "Stay in - it's cheaper" - A survival guide by Cockfield Parish Council.

5. Which of these forms the greatest sporting challenge?

a) Darlington FC, having gained promotion, find that no-one goes to see them play;

b) Barnard Castle RUFC, having gained promotion, lose the first three games of next season by more than one hundred points;

c) Kevin Pyramid, having chosen to diversify into sports management as chief executive of Real Glaxo FC, is confronted in the toilets by several of the players he's sacked, who "want a little word, know what I mean?"

d) The Womens Institute contract bridge challenge sinks into disarray when Doreen Grassingthwaite, the embattled president, offers to "sort it out once and for all" (no hair pulling) round the back of the village hall with Vera Bile, 73, who said her labrador would have turned his nose up at Doreen's fruit scones;

e) Edgar Ramachandran, 47, of High Lands, will attempt to play the entire dominoes season without ever using the double six. 

What does your score say about you?

If you chose mainly option ‘a', you are outward-going, a joiner, user of public transport and likely to be a vegetarian.

If it was ‘b', you'll be into stamp collecting and should consider a career in the armed forces, unless you're past retirement age.

People who score mainly ‘c'  were potty-trained too early and work at Glaxo, whereas ‘d' people like eating oranges and think that sheep are clever. 

Finally, those who chose mainly ‘e' options should visit the doctor as quickly as possible, not because they're ill, but because doctors usually choose ‘e' and tend to get a bit depressed if no-one talks to them.

And a very happy New Year to all of you.

First published in the Mercury, January 2, 2008