Worrying times for WI Doreen, Teesdale Mercury

Worrying times for WI Doreen

Dec 12, 2007

Describing last week as the ‘blackest in recent WI history', local women's powerhouse Doreen Grassingthwaite mopped her brow and frowned deeply. Never, never in all her WI political life  had she known so many problems to pile on top of each other. 

Surely she hadn't expected anything quite like this when she had succeeded to the ultimate responsibility of Dale president. 

She had held such high hopes that her reign would be different from that of her predecessor, the charismatic but deeply flawed Vera Bile, whose time had been characterised by style but no real substance. 

Doreen had committed herself to honesty. Under her, there would be a fresh start; the speakers would be better, the trips more interesting and the accounts beyond reproach. 

Then ‘events, dear girl, events' had intervened and her week had gone from bad to worse.

First, there was her decision to put the membership lists on to her computer.  This idea had created shudders of dismay among the more traditional of the ladies, but Doreen was adamant that a modern WI needed first class IT facilities. 

This despite the fact that many of the ladies hadn't the foggiest what ‘IT facilities' were, anyway. Well, Doreen spent several hours typing in details of all the members, then saved it onto a disc.

The WI was getting into the 21st century! 

When she had finished, she rang Aileen, the treasurer, because Aileen's internet wasn't working and she said ‘why don't you send Alan (that's Doreen's husband, retired now, nice man) down on his bike with the disc then Aileen could examine it and get the books up to date'. Nothing could be simpler, could it?  Except that the disc NEVER ARRIVED!

Alan was found in the ditch near the Owl and Wheelbarrow (which he had visited, but only for a half) with a smile on his face. 

His saddlebag was open AND EMPTY!  Doreen immediately called for an independent inquiry, headed by a judge, an archbishop and Mr Atkinson from the butcher's. 

Theories were abundant: Alan had sold the disc to a Kosovan white slave dealer; the Townswomen's Guild had organised a hit man to ‘let Alan sleep with the fishes'. 

Panic set in when it was discovered that Doreen had not only put in everyone's names and addresses and phone numbers, but also the amounts each one had donated to last year's appeal!

That was on Thursday. Doreen didn't sleep a wink for the worry of it.

Then Friday turned out even worse. There had been some pretty awful prizes given for the raffle recently and just about everyone had noticed and commented. 

Minnie Tremble, 92, had complained that the toffees she had won at the November meeting were ancient and the bath salts had been round three times already. 

Who had given the prizes? Doreen didn't know, but asked Eileen, who'd been on refreshments last week. 

Then the thunderbolt struck.  Eileen told her that Lady Ring-Binding had given them, but had said that she would only do so if they could be ‘through a third party' to ‘maintain her anonymity'. 

This was absolutely against WI rules. Why hadn't anyone told Doreen? Did anyone else know that manky old presents were being given by Lady Ring-Binding? 

Doreen felt the earth move uneasily beneath her feet. She immediately sacked Eileen from the tea rota, then set up another inquiry, with the vicar, Kevin Pyramid's mother and the local MP to get to the bottom of the dodgy raffle prizes issue. Eileen was already plotting revenge. This, truly, was Black November.

Then the worst of all happened. Vera Bile lived up to her name. She sent the details of the disc and the toffees to the Neighbourhood Watch man and ‘demanded action'. 

The new broom of Doreen's presidency had a snapped broomshank. Members have already started to say the unsayable and think the unthinkable. Could Doreen be on the way out? 

On the phone to her daughter Chloe (nice girl, doing very well, actually married, which is amazing these days) Doreen voiced her deepest doubts.  Was she just not up to the job?

Chloe told her to distract the media and the mutterers. "You're best when you're being bold, Mummy, best when you're being WI."

Doreen has therefore asked all members to arrive topless at the December meeting, so that they can be photographed holding strategically-placed pieces of fruit. 

Not to make a calendar, just to stop them talking about all her problems. Some hope!

First published in the Mercury, December 5, 2007