Real Ron's the man for the job, Teesdale Mercury

Real Ron's the man for the job

Dec 5, 2007

STEVE MacLaren bows out and another international door swings open. The footballing world is agog after the national team's ignominious exit from the Women's Institute Cup. 

A tough one, this, after so many disappointments and setbacks. 

Where are we to go? What should the FA do?  What is the meaning of life? How much is a pound of haddock? 

Teesdale has spoken of little else in recent days; the dale has been agog. 

Doris Bracegirdle confided in Elsie Flange over the cooked meats at Middleton Co-op that she thought MacLaren's 4-5-1 strategy against Croatia was fundamentally flawed. 

Her little Jeddie (Jed Bracket, her live-in lover and disgraced Olympian synchronised sheep-dip champ) had told her when they were tucked up in their upper Teesdale bijou love nest that a 1-2-2-3-2-1 formation would have served England better. 

"So I says to him," said the mighty Doris, squeezing the cheddar, "I says to him, I says, I don't care what Steve MacLaren should have done, your formation suits me any time of the day. Or night. Know what I mean?"

Elsie didn't really know what the worldly Doris was referring to, not being au fait with international defensive formations, so simply replied that her Edgar reckoned as the rents was going up on the allotments next year and it was downright disgusting if you asked her, which Doris hadn't.

 Doris's views on positional play were of little concern to much-travelled Ron Mangle, 71 or 72, (depending on who's asking), inspirational first team coach at Real Glaxo FC, who has a ‘cast iron, watertight binding contract' with the club to remain in their employment until at least half past four next Thursday. 

Such job security is unusual in Premiership dale football circles just now, and even if England were to make a move to get Big Ron to take on the job, the board of directors would expect compensation for the loss of his services. 

Brian Throb, PR consultant and press agent for the club, said that Ron would be ‘a big miss' to the club if spirited away to higher things. 

"Ron has been a great servant to the football club in the football league and has picked many successful football teams to represent the football club on the football pitch playing football in the football league and the football cup," said Throbby's secretary, demonstrating how important it is nowadays to have an expert to advise on how one should address people, like.

 But Big Ron is staying tight-lipped, broad-shouldered, narrow-minded and empty-headed about the possibility of taking on the biggest job of all in Church and Chapel League football. 

The announcement earlier this week of England's opponents in the World Cup qualifying rounds for the next championship in 2147 may well have strengthened Ron's hand in the forthcoming rounds of negotiations.

His only comment on the fact that England have been drawn in a group containing South Georgia, Cockfield Ladies Darts 2nd X1, the check-out girls at Morrisons, Upper Volta, Tajikisthan and Iraq was to say that "them women at Morrisons are mean, nasty tacklers, like, know what I mean". 

Ron always did have an effortless command of the spoken word.

 So we're just going to have to wait. In the meantime,  Ron's star players at the 129,467-seater Stadium of Magnificence - Baz Gloop (three goals in 18 years), Obafengwe Undabunguaga (brilliant midfielder signed from Romaldkirk Bell Ringers FC) and  Sharon Sweet (an interesting, if somewhat misguided purchase from HMP Deerbolt staff team) - will be salivating with anticipation that Ron might land the big one and take them along to glory with him. 

It happens that the three stars have the same agent, Sid Dubious, who describes himself as an ‘impressario extraordinaire'. 

Sid's office has issued a press statement to the effect that if Big Ron were to become England's head coach, he had better pick Sid's three ‘clients' or a brown envelope containing ‘certain items of an embarrassing nature' might well land on the desk of the Teesdale Mercury's Sports Editor,  Clint ‘Slasher' Fosdyke. 

Big Ron was last night said to be ‘giving all these matters the serious attention they deserve'. 

He was also reported to be in the back room of the Owl and Wheelbarrow public house, in Lower Startforth, in a ‘very emotional condition'. Watch this space.

First published in the Mercury, November 28, 2007