Coming soon...the 'man creche', Teesdale Mercury

Coming soon...the 'man creche'

Nov 28, 2007

KEVIN Pyramid, Teesdale District Council wunderkind, political analyst, strategic policy review liaisonperson and interim reorganisation apparatchik, stood before the world’s press corps (me and  Vera from the Eggleston parish magazine) and said he was absolutely delighted to have been entrusted with the first policy announcement to have arisen from the recent and breathtakingly successful ‘Listening to Teesdale’ initiative. 

He and the various councillors involved had been ‘spellbound with interest and overwhelmed with sheer, naked pleasure’ when they had discovered that people in Teesdale had opinions on things. 

The stunning new initiative,which involved the unbelievably daring and high profile venture of trying to find out what people wanted by asking them, had come to him in the form of a vision, delivered by a seraphic figure in white, standing by his mum’s telly, holding a ghostly clipboard and beckoning to him. 

“Come, Kevin, come,” quoth the form, “follow me and I will show you The Way.”

So Kevin had temporarily abandoned his Marks and Spencer brie and grape individual quichette, put down his tray and followed the seraph to the conservatory door. 

“Kevin, you must have vision and you must believe passionately in the council’s people-centred strategy. Go, listen and implement!”

With this, the ghostly form pointed towards Evenwood, smiled mysteriously and slowly faded from view to the sound of easy listening Classic FM music.

 So, Kevin told us, he and various Very Important Councillors had Gone, Listened and were now about to Implement. 

“What, oh liaisonperson,” we demanded, “have you decided to implement?”

Well, Kevin told us, it was a bit like this, really. I mean, the punters basically wanted all sorts of dead boring stuff like roads and pavements to be clean and the bins to be emptied and the drains to be cleared of sludge, but I mean, who wants to do all that stuff? 

Know what I mean, it all seemed really like sad, then we met one woman who had a great idea and so we didn’t bother with all that front line services twaddle and just decided to do what she said ’cos it was just sooo sexy. (I paraphrase). The new public-led initiative is a creche for surplus men during the Christmas shopping period. Fully qualified and police-checked carers will be available to nurture unwanted husbands in half day sessions, leaving mothers and daughters to develop deep-shopping activities. 

Overnight facilities will be available for women incapable of buying sufficient items in a single eight-hour shopping fest. 

You'll be able to check your husband in from 6.30am with dietary instructions, minus his wallet and relax, knowing that he’ll be properly cared for by trained professionals. 

The premises used will be empty shops so that, if necessary, potential dress and other clothes purchases can be displayed from outside and an opinion gained by a simple nod or shake of the head or raising of the thumb. 

Husbands will be allowed certain signs on sticks, inscribed with such slogans as ‘Oooh, that's nice’, or ‘I don't think that one suits you’ or the dangerous one ‘I bet that one's not cheap’.  The latter sign will only be allowed one usage per day.

During hubby’s fun-packed day, there will be a variety of sparkling activities to keep his little mind busy and deflected from serious matters like ‘getting things organised for Christmas’.

These activities will include trained counsellors making overtures such as ‘I expect you’ve led an interesting life’, or ‘What kind of mileage do you get from your motor, then?’ or ‘Do you think there are too many foreigners playing for the Arsenal?’.

Copies of newspapers will be set beside comfortable armchairs. There will be activity tables where small machines will be available for dismantling and reassembly. A haircutting service will be open on alternate days. 

There will be a competition for unravelling large balls of string and a special prize for the man who can make the weariest statement about the approach of Christmas. No children will be admitted to the premises. Such an initiative would not be complete without a reciprocal advantage of some kind for women. 

Kevin told us with glee that when wives/girlfriends return, heavy laden with large bags containing very small items of clothing, they will be offered the possibility of a short-term loan of someone else’s husband/bloke, using technology loaned from the mobile library service. 

The husband/boyfriend will have a return date stamped on his forehead. Stringent fines will ensure that the system is not abused by refusing to accept one’s own bloke over the actual Christmas period, during which, much to the dismay of many Teesdale women, the service will not be available.

First published in the Mercury, November 21, 2007