Sale of the century, Teesdale Mercury

Sale of the century

Nov 7, 2007

AN AUCTION SALE OF ANTIQUE AND COLLECTIBLE ITEMS  WITH SUNDRY OTHER GOODS WILL BE HELD AT MESSRS CHRISTEBY'S, COUNCILLORS' YARD, EVENWOOD ON APRIL 1, 2008,COMMENCING AT 3AM.

 A unique collection of memorabilia connected with local government is offered by Durham County Council, who are glad to be shot of it.

 Lot 1:  Several tonnes of paper in one hundredweight bundles, headed ‘Forward Plans', ‘Making sense to the public', ‘Throughput liaison underpinning target back-up documentation' and ‘Core defensible budget strategy implementation overview'.  Estimate 50p-70p per tonne.

 Lot 2: One chief executive's desk, slightly distressed (fist imprints to upper surface) £1,000-£1,500.

 Lot 3: Framed sign ‘Enquiry desk closed'  (badly worn) £5-7.

 Lot 4:  Three skips of broken cobbles, formerly architectural feature in Galgate, ideal for hardcore, (purchaser to remove) £20-£30.

 Lot 5:  Several members of middle management, (unable to gain promotion in reorganisation). Free to good home.

 Lot 6: Complete set of Parkinson's ‘How to reduce taxation in local government' (unopened, as new) £50-£60 (cost new £300).

 Lot 7:  Assorted lavatory fittings (formerly of Market Place) unused in recent years, valuable as scrap, £200-£250.

 Lot 8: Thirty-one reclining councillors' chairs, very heavily worn, £5 each or bids above £100 the lot.

 Lot 9: Complete set of plans for Barnard Castle by-pass, editions 1,2,3 and 4. Would suit eccentric collector.  £5-£7.

 Lot 10: Easy-to-assemble rope bridge kit with full instructions and guide on how to annoy golfers.

 Lot 11: Two thousand surplus invitation cards printed ‘Farewell celebration for Teesdale District Council'. £1.

 Mr Kevin Pyramid, 21 years and three months,  Surplus Facility Logistics Co-ordinator and Deputy Chief Executive Designate (Parks, Cemeteries, Dog Fouling and Community Involvement, Durham County Council, South West Office) said that he hoped the sale would go well. 

He was pleased to announce that the total sum raised, less commission and a ‘consultant's fee' paid to his Auntie Yvonne (who was employed as a People's Champion to oversee the process) would go to a single worthy cause. 

This was the purchase of a ‘state of the art' desk for his new role as Deputy Chief Designate. When asked where this role would be based and why he couldn't use the desk which was in the sale, Kevin gave one of those special smiles which local government officers reserve for people who just don't understand.

"The old desk is entirely inappropriate," he replied, "because (a) it isn't new, (b) it doesn't match the new wall covering, (c) it hasn't got one of those fancy bits where your computer sort of slides away dead good and disappears, like and (d)..."  He paused.

"And (d)..........?" our roving reporter asked.

"And (d), what's it got to do with you, pal?" asked Kev rolling up his sleeve to show his new David Beckham tattoo, which all the chicks in the office thought was really cool.

First published in the Mercury, October 31, 2007