Going underground!, Teesdale Mercury

Going underground!

Oct 30, 2007

It was so exciting. I got a real, live anonymous phone call. Normally these involve women from India trying to sell me something but this was straight up, no messing. Not one of those jobs which go along the lines of  "I'm going to tell you something, Barney, but you must give me your word you'll not let on where it came from."  No, there on my answerphone was the sound of a woman's voice telling me that Teesdale District Council had just made another of its death wish decisions. 

Now, I don't know whether it's true or not, but given their recent history it could be. The idea that a council could be defined by its attitude towards underground lavatories is and always has been a really endearing one. Anyway, this voice told me that the council was planning to sell off the bogs. Then click buzzzz.... Number withheld. It could all be a joke, of course, and a clever one at that just to set me up. Then a denial could be issued later, but who cares? It's great fun anyway. Obviously, Galgate needs some marketing advice now this core decision has been issued from the bunker.

First, which estate agent will be chosen to get maximum value from the bijou property? I expect the great and good of that gilded profession are meeting right now to set out their strategies to scoop the great prize. Whoever is chosen will be just that one step ahead of all the others. Next to selling Raby Castle, there is no greater cachet to be acquired, no greater prize to boast about in retirement or repeat eight times a day to Polish care workers in the Sunny Horizons Care Home. 

"You may not think it, young woman, but I was personally responsible for gaining the commission for the sale of Barnard Castle lavatories!" What a conversation stopper! Listener steps back in amazement, proud, nay, honoured to have brought a cup of tea to such a great entrepreneur. So let's pre-empt them all

and write the advert here. If the council likes it, I guarantee to undercut all others to get

the job.

FOR SALE: Teesdale District Council proudly announces the sale of two unique town centre apartments in the heart of historic Barnard Castle. This rarely-offered opportunity has presented itself because of a review of council priorities and the fact that in a year or so they're all getting the heave-ho anyway.

Each apartment is approached by a private staircase with iron railings to which a purchaser can chain his or her bike. Shops could not be closer; in fact, fresh fruit has been known to roll down the stairs unbidden on market days.  Throughout these unique properties you can almost smell history.

Apartment one has six small (well, very small, actually) individual bedrooms, each ensuite but with limited space for a bed. The main living area has historic tiling features and interesting exposed pipework. There are three sinks but no fitted cooker in the kitchen. Discreet lighting is by way of feature glass bricks in the ceiling through which a purchaser can observe the shadowy outlines of passing pedestrians and overhear interesting snippets of conversation. There is ample parking nearby but sadly this is not reserved.

Apartment two has different potential, having three en-suite rooms but a larger living area with fittings which could be adapted for a variety of uses (e.g. dishwashers). Each bedroom door has a charming money box attached which could be useful for purchasers with children.  In both apartments examples of ethnic folk art and poetry are included in the sale. The properties would suit very sociable people since perfect starngers regularly knock the doors and demand admission. 

The apartments are available individually or as a job lot and may suit a married couple who have stopped speaking to each other.

Sealed written bids should wrapped round a house brick and delivered to the council's solicitor in an appropriate way.

I understand that an alternative strategy has also been discussed but rejected. This involved filling the lavatories with concrete, but was deemed too expensive. Costs could have been kept down by using free, unwanted material instead of concrete to fill up some of the space.  If you have any ideas on the type of unwanted objects or the identity of superfluous people you would wish to have interred to save the public purse, please let me know and I will forward them to the appropriate council officer.

First published in the Mercury October 24 2007