Closely linked yet worlds apart, Teesdale Mercury

Closely linked yet worlds apart

Oct 10, 2007

I have a son who is the ultimate city dweller.  He thinks milk comes from machines and grass cuts itself.

He lives a long way off and came to see us just after we'd moved house. When he finally arrived, he told us that he'd asked the way twice, once in Darlington, again in Teesdale. He found the difference in style of his two advisers really funny. When I think about it, he's got a point.

I have a neighbour, a retired policeman who spent a long time ‘on traffic'. Occasionally, I walk to the shop with him. Nearby there is a complicated set of corners and bends in the road which confuses drivers. By the time they get to my house they are trying to drive, indicate, turn off the radio, consult the A-Z and slow down to ask someone the way, all at the same time. Then it's stop, lean over, excuse me and so on.

My neighbour loves this; it takes him back to the good old days.

Firstly he makes the poor driver pull into a side road and turn off the engine (honest, he does) then listens with rapt attention as they ask the way to the park, crematorium (lots of those), hospital or just their Auntie Lil's. Then he ponders carefully and launches into a

briefing of truly military precision and complexity.

"Taking the A6864 northwards," he'll say, "continue for one and one third miles until you reach the junction of Smith Road and Bloggs Avenue, ensuring that you slow down on the temporary adverse camber which lies on the outside corner immediately after the bus

station serving the nearby estate. Turn left,

carefully checking your rear mirror, before climbing a five per cent upward gradient until reaching an area of newly-reconstituted tarmacadam 200 yards before the Scout Hut of wooden tongue and groove construction.

You will discover your destination on your

left behind a pile of local authority paving

slabs which have been placed temporarily upon the footpath, presumably awaiting installation." 

He then steps into the road, stops  the traffic with classic hand signals and waves off the luckless driver, who departs in completely the wrong direction, having had no idea whatsoever of where the A6864 begins, continues or ends. My neighbour shakes his head in despair at the decline in driver training before telling me at enormous length, yet again, of the time he was involved in a high speed car chase in 1974.

The country dweller who advised my son was of a very different ilk. Having been asked where house x was, he had to stop and have a think, which involved holding his chin in an enormous, horny hand. "Mmmm," he mused. "You might have me there. Mmmm. Now then, you could try just going on along here for a bit until you come to a sort of bend, like, and then, yes, I know where it is. Yes, you go along by Johnny Tallentire's back hedge, past where he grew rape last year, then turn into Mitchell's field end. You'll see ‘im, because he told me he was due to lead some straw today. Or was it hay?  No, it was definitely straw. Or hay.  Anyway, turn in there and carry on for a bit. You'll probably get this fancy motor a bit messy like, but never mind, can't be helped, can it?  Then you go past the old barn.  You can't miss it, not since it got a new roof put on it. Bet that cost him a pretty penny. Mind you, he can afford it, if what I hear's true. Then go down the lane and you'll see a phone box, if they ain't taken it away. I mean who uses them nowadays? Everybody's got a mobile now. I've got one me daughter gave me when she got a new one and I can ring up the wife but I ain't got the hang of that text business. Have you seen how fast kids do it?  Amazing, really. Oh, yes, then you go up the bank, round the corner and the place you're looking for is on the right hand side, behind the hawthorn tree........I think."

My son replied: "What's a hawthorn tree?"

In due course he arrived, complaining about dung on his hire car and asking if we had television in these parts. We told him that things would be much better after we got mains electricity and universal adult suffrage. He told us not to be sarcastic and to just ask everyone we knew to stick to the point when giving directions to visitors. I replied that he was asking a bit too much with that one.

First published in the Mercury, October 3, 2007