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Why I'm over the moon this autumn
Sep 19, 2007
By Barney Liar
HI there sports fans! What a sizzling autumn of sporting crackers lies in wait for us. England may even reach the next round of the Rugby World Cup if they can manage to beat giants Iceland and Borneo.
We may not win, but we certainly will come second to none in finding good reasons for our failure.
Our cricket team jetted off to southern climes to compete in the Very Limited Overs World Championship.
This massively popular modernisation of the traditional game has taken by storm the imagination of sports nuts all round the world.
In a nutshell, the game has been stripped down to its bare essentials, dispensing with all the tedious business of skill, patience, tactics and application, which have so bedevilled the Test scene.
Each game lasts for three overs a side and batsmen are automatically dismissed if they do not hit a six off each ball.
In order to speed things up, the bowlers just stand at the wicket and throw the ball as hard as possible at the head of the batsman who then attempts to hit the thing to kingdom come. After each delivery, there is a five minute break for loud popular music, during which the fieldsmen and umpires dance the tango energetically.
The spectators are encouraged to ring in with their votes for a ‘Dancer of the Day'. The ultimate winners are the team members who can wear the most vulgar pullovers.
England's remorseless football success machine grinds on, remorselessly, beating Lundy Island 3-0 last Saturday. Today, they play the Central African Democratic Congo, which is surprising, since they're supposed to be competing for the European Championship.
Only victory will bring success. After a recent match, the England team manager said that he ascribed his team's defeat to the fact that their opponents had scored a greater number of goals and that knowing this would be at the ‘very heart' of his strategic planning for the next game.
Having such a mind is at the centre of our brave lads' efforts means that ultimate triumph is a mere formality. He brushed aside criticism in the popular press, choosing to quote Ron Saunders, one-time manager of Aston Villa, who said: "Allegations have been made about my leadership and I demand to know who these alligators are." True, so true.
That other giant of the game, Real Glaxo's team manager, Ron Mangle, 72, has had a breathtakingly successful start to the new season.
After five games, Real are at the very top of the Teesdale and Weardale Church and Chapel League table, following a dazzling 2-0 victory away to Ravenstonedale Methodists Celtic, with new star striker Clark Beetroot slotting home an unlikely hat-trick.
Next week, the 130,000-seater Stadium of Magnificence should be packed to the rafters when cupholders Gainford Scouts arrive to strut their stuff.
At this week's press conference, Big Ron faced up to some pretty aggressive questioning from a reporter from the Eggleston Parish Magazine, who asked him if this year's promotion push was really make or break time for his tenancy of the manager's office.
Ron came back like a flash with an example of the wit which has become his trademark. "Pipe down, you old bat," he lisped. "Me and the lads is doing great this time around."
He then went on to quote the immortal Dick Duckworth, manager of Scunthorpe in 1962-3 who said that he was optimistic of success that year because in the changing room he had ‘the mucus of a great team'.
See you at the match.
Footnote:
Young Jeremiah, 17 years and four months, the thrusting and upwardly-mobile editor of this wonderful organ of the Fourth Estate, became father of a beautiful child of the female gender last week.
A poll of all the staff in the Barney Liar department at the 16-storey Mercury HQ skyscraper favoured naming her Shannon Madonna, but such excellent advice has been eschewed by Our Leader and his beloved wife, who chose Jessica instead.
Despite this obvious error, young Jeremiah is now surely on the shortlist for Teesdale Man of the Decade.
This prestigious competition, in which text voting costs a mere £5, closed last week but the Barney Liar office is still accepting donations. After all, if it's good enough for Blue Peter, it's good enough for us, too. Congratulations to all concerned.
First published in the Teesdale Mercury, September 12, 2007